A few days ago Ayden lay in bed talking to his mom. I could hear the murmurs, but couldn't make out the conversation. A little while later Amanda yells for me to come into her room. "Ayden thinks it's his fault that you are a girl," she says, "He says you should cut your hair and just be his daddy."
If you heard a shattering on December 12th late at night, it was likely my heart breaking for my child. I had to lay down next to him and explain that it was in no way his fault. I added that it was no one's fault. That I just need to be a woman. With tears in my eyes, I had to explain to a five year old that he has an Ali. And she loves him very much.
The next day several things went through my mind as I cried to myself at work. Maybe I could stop. Stop my hormones, unlearn any feminization that I have picked up, purge my clothes and just go back. To make my son happy. Why not? I already spent 26 years hiding my feelings, hiding ME. What is another few years for my child?
Of course, that was absurd... He is only five. He has no way of knowing how broken I was, or would be if I went back. To me, it is better for him to have a transsexual parent than no parent at all. Because, surely, if I were forced back into being male I would be catatonic with depression. I've had a taste of happiness finally, and that makes me better able to be a functioning parent.
Still, it makes me sad. If only it were as simple as cutting all my hair off, and just being a daddy... I know that in time he will better understand. For now, I suppose that I will just have to be the best Ali I can, and show him that there is no one on this planet that I love more than him.
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