Questions

Before I begin it is important to note that to my knowledge the people I work with do not know I am trans. Or that I am female. It just doesn't ever come up. I would love more than anything to just be open and myself, but I need a job. I am terrified that if I come out at work, I will lose my job. It is, perhaps, an irrational fear, but I can't seem to shake it.

However, while sitting at work doing my job, it occurred to me that my employer and co-workers probably already know. I was thinking back on things from a year ago, and even farther back up to 5 years ago. They don't treat me the same way anymore. For example, if I were to complain that I was too cold, a couple of years ago, I would have most likely been met with the sentence, "Stop being a pussy."

Lately, when complaining about the same thing, I am told nothing more than "Turn up the heater." It isn't just these things that causes me to question whether or not they actually know. Basic human curiosity should be at play here. "Why don't you ever cut your hair?" "Why do you paint your nails?" "Why do you look so different?" I have been asked all of those questions. Just never by the people I work with. People are curious creatures. They have to have some sort of curiosity about it...

Especially when I talk about why I can't drink. That it's because of my meds. No one ever bothers to question this. I still have people, who know and now only know me as Ali, ask me why I can't drink. Or maybe they really just don't care. I have kind of a hard time with that, though. I've known these people for 5-7 years.

Curiouser and curiouser...